Rome, 2nd cent. A.D. (Satire 6, exc. L)
Ancient biographers, characteristically confusing poet and poetry, regarded this famous satire as factual evidence that Juvenal hated women. Stories of the same type were attributed to Lucretius (1st cent. B.C.), because of his caustic statements about marriage in Book 4 of his De Rerum Natura.
Eppia, though the wife of a senator, went off with a gladiator to Pharos and the Nile on the notorious walls of Alexandria (though even Egypt condemns Rome’s disgusting morals). Forgetting her home, her husband, and her sister, she showed no concern whatever for her homeland (she
shameless) and her children in tears, and (you’ll be dumbfounded by this) she left the theatre and Paris the actor behind. Even though when she was a baby she was pillowed in great luxury, in the down of her father’s mansion, in a cradle of the finest workmanship, she didn’t worry about the dangers of sea travel (she had long since stopped worrying about her reputation, the loss of which among rich ladies’ soft cushions does not matter much). Therefore with heart undaunted she braved the waves of the Adriatic and the wide-resounding Ionian Sea (to get to Egypt she had to change seas frequently).
You see, if there’s a good reason for undertaking a dangerous voyage, then women are fearful; their cowardly breasts are chilled with icy dread; they cannot stand on their trembling feet. But they show courageous spirit in affairs they’re determined to enter illicitly. If it’s their husband who wants them to go, then it’s a problem to get on board ship. They can’t stand the bilge-water; the skies spin around them. The woman who goes off with her lover of course has no qualms. She eats dinner with the sailors, walks the quarter-deck, and enjoys hauling rough ropes. Meanwhile the first woman gets sick all over her husband.
And yet what was the glamour that set her on fire, what was the prime manhood that captured Eppia’s heart? What was it she saw in him, that would compensate for her being called Gladiatrix?  Note that her lover, dear Sergius, had now started shaving his neck, and was hoping to be released from duty because of a bad wound on his arm. Moreover, his face was deformed in a number of ways: he had a mark where his helmet rubbed him, and a big wart between his nostrils, and a smelly discharge always dripping from his eye. But he was a gladiator. That made him look as beautiful as Apollo’s friend Hyacinth. This is what she preferred to her children and her homeland, her sister and her husband. It’s the sword they’re in love with: this same Sergius, once released from service, would begin to seem like her husband Veiento.
Do you care about a private citizen’s house, about Eppia’s doings? Turn your eyes to the gods’ rivals. Hear what the Emperor Claudius had to put up with. As soon as his wife thought that he was asleep, this imperial whore  put on the hood she wore at night, determined to prefer a cheap pad to the royal bed, and left the house with one female slave only. No, hiding her black hair in a yellow wig she entered the brothel, warm with its old patchwork quilts and her empty cell, her very own. Then she took her stand, naked, her nipples gilded, assuming the name of Lycisca, and displayed the stomach you came from, noble Brittanicus. She obligingly received customers and asked for her money, and lay there through the night taking in the thrusts of all comers. Then when the pimp sent the girls home, at last she went away sadly, and (it was all she could do) was the last to close up her cell-she was still burning, her vagina stiff and erected; tired by men, but not yet satisfied, she left, her face dirty and bruised, grimy with lamp smoke, she brought back to her pillow the smell of the brothel.
Isn’t there anyone then in such large herds of women that’s worth marrying? Let her be beautiful, graceful, rich, fertile, let her place on her porticoes her ancestors’ statues; let her be more virginal than the Sabine women (the ones that with their dishevelled hair brought the war with Rome to an end);  let her be a phoenix on earth, something like a black swan-but who could stand a wife who has every virtue? I’d rather have (much rather) a gal from Venusia than you, Cornelia, mother of the Gracchi, if along with your great excellence you bring a snob’s brow and count your family’s triumphs as part of your dowry. 
All chance of domestic harmony is lost while your wife’s mother is living. She gets her to rejoice in despoiling her husband, stripping him naked. She gets her to write back politely and with sophistication when her seducer sends letters. She tricks your spies or bribes them. Then when your daughter is feeling perfectly well she calls in the doctor Archigenes and says that the blankets are too heavy. Meanwhile, her lover, in hiding shut off from her, impatient at the delay, waits in silence and stretches his foreskin. Maybe you think that her mother will teach her virtuous ways-ones different from her own? It’s much more productive for a dirty old lady to bring up a dirty little girl.
There’s hardly a case in court where the litigation wasn’t begun by a female. If Manilia can’t be defendant, she’ll be the plaintiff.  They’ll draw up indictments without assistance, and are ready to tell Celsus the lawyer how to begin his speech and what arguments he should use.
Who doesn’t know about the Tyrian wrappers and the ointment for women’s athletics? Who hasn’t seen the wounds in the dummy, which she drills with continual stabbings and hits with her shield and works through the whole course of exercise-a matron, the sort you’d expect to blow the trumpet at the Floralia  -unless in her heart she is plotting something deeper still, and seriously training for the actual games? How can a woman who wears a helmet be chaste? She’s denying her sex, and likes a man’s strength. But she wouldn’t want to turn into a man, since we men get so little pleasure.
Yet what a show there would be, if there were an auction of your wife’s stuff-her belt and gauntlets and helmet and half-armour for her left leg. Or she can try the other style of battle-lucky you, when she sells her greaves. Yet these same girls sweat even in muslin, even the thinnest little netting burns their delicacies. Look at the noise she makes when she drives home the blows her trainer showed her, at the weight of her helmet, how solidly she sits on her haunches (like the binding around a thick tree), and laugh when she puts her armour aside to pick up her chamber-pot.
You ask where these monsters come from, the source that they spring from? Poverty made Latin women chaste in the old days, hard work and a short time to sleep and hands calloused and hardened with wool-working, and Hannibal close to the city,  and their husbands standing guard at the Colline Gate-that kept their humble homes from being corrupted by vice. But now we are suffering from the evils of a long peace. Luxury, more ruthless than war, broods over Rome and takes revenge for the world she has conquered. No cause for guilt or deed of lust is missing, now that Roman poverty has vanished. Money, nurse of promiscuity, first brought in foreigners’ ways, and effete riches weakened the sinews of succeeding generations. What does Venus care when she’s drunk? She can’t tell head from tail when she eats big oysters at midnight, and when her perfume foams with undiluted wine, when she drinks her conch-shell cup dry, and when in her dizziness the roof turns round and the table rises up to meet two sets of lights.
An even worse pain is the female who, as soon as she sits down to dinner, praises Vergil and excuses Dido’s suicide:  matches and compares poets, weighing Vergil on one side of the scale and Homer in the other. Schoolmasters yield; professors are vanquished; everyone in the party is silenced. No one can speak, not a lawyer, not an auctioneer, not even another woman. Such an avalanche of words falls, that you’d say it’s like pans and bells being beaten. Now no one needs trumpets or bronzes: this woman by herself can come help the Moon when she’s suffering from an eclipse.  As a philosopher she sets definitions on moral behaviour. Since she wants to seem so learned and eloquent she ought to shorten her tunic up to her knees  and bring a pig to Sylvanus  and go to the penny bath with the philosophers. Don’t let the woman who shares your marriage bed adhere to a set style of speaking or hurl in well-rounded sentences the enthymeme shorn of its premise. Don’t let her know all the histories. Let there be something in books she does not understand. I hate the woman who is continually poring over and studying Palaemon’s  treatise, who never breaks the rules or principles of grammar, and who quotes verses I never heard of, ancient stuff that men ought not to worry about. Let her correct her girl-friend’s verses she ought to allow her husband to commit a solecism.
Pauper women endure the trials of childbirth and endure the burdens of nursing, when fortune demands it. But virtually no gilded bed is laid out for childbirth-so great is her skill, so easily can she produce drugs that make her sterile or induce her to kill human beings in her womb. You fool, enjoy it, and give her the potion to drink, whatever it’s going to be, because, if she wants to get bloated and to trouble her womb with a live baby’s kicking, you might end up being the father of an Ethiopian-soon a wrong-coloured heir will complete your accounts, a person whom it’s bad luck to see first thing in the morning.
1. For female gladiators, see nos. 295-302
2. The infamous Empress Messalina, mother of Octavia and Britannicus. She was later put to death for conspiracy against Claudius.
3. See no. 233 for an account of the rape of the Sabines.
4. The ‘triumphs’ are those of her father Scipio Africanus, the hero of the Second Punic War. Cf. no. 52.
5. Cf. no. 178, Valerius Maximus on Gaia Afrania.
6. At the Floralia, a particularly joyous festival in honour of the goddess Flora, celebrated from April 28 to May 3. See Ovid, Fasti 5.331 ff.
7. Cf. no. 173.
8. Queen of Carthage, lover of Aeneas. She committed suicide when he abandoned her.
9. Eclipses of the moon, thought by some to be caused by witchcraft, were met with loud noises to dispel the accompanying evil spirits.
10. A reference to the short tunic worn by men.
11. Forbidden to women.
12. Palaemon, a freedman, was a grammarian of the early first century A.D.